Knock-off muppets must feel even more empty on the inside.

I’m Judge Mackaye and Hardcore Court is now in session. Let’s make this as fast as possible. I understand the defendant is accused of posing with…

Is it soccer pictures day for your kid too? Make it unforgettable with a blood ocean and a boat made out of brie.

TV execs of America, I’ll expect your $. I submit these two words: menopause cop

Just used scissors to open potato chip bag and so sorry I’m not a real American anymore.  

Watching middle-aged neighborhood ladies dump snow back & forth onto each other’s property is free and way funner than Wimbledon.

People may come & people may go but I’m mostly sad that eggs don’t care how much I love them.

I don’t really have any problems today but how the fuck did planes exist a jillion years before microwave ovens?